Random thoughts from my head. Unedited and unfiltered. I haven’t written anything on here after going to New York a few months ago. But it’s snowing, and I was reading Bukowski earlier, so of course, it reminded me of You.

On the bus ride home, you examined the palms of my hands with such precision and care as you told me about whom you thought you were in a previous life. (One of the things I didn’t get to say to you after everything was said and done, is that I hope you find me in the next one.) It took everything in me not to laugh. Your past life theory was so downright crazy (so you)-I just smiled instead. Yet you were (are so) expressive and passionate in the way that you speak, I was surely convinced by the end of if it, that this was factual information.

I know that you are home drinking with Her, but I wish I could tell you how I decided to cut him off again today. I could tell you how I’d be in a room full of art that makes you dizzy (just like your kisses)… and still notice only you-and you’d laugh at my bluntness at first, but you’d get it. (I’d mean it too.) I could tell him the same thing, and he wouldn’t understand. I know you’d reassure me it’s for the best. “What a boy.”, you’d say. As you have before.

I’m glad we filled spaces for each other even if we didn’t know we needed it. We are both the kind of people that romanticize the wrong kind of things… We are Jack’s longing for a pity-party. I wish I could tell you how I’ve been doing good again up until about two weeks ago. I was all about taking the good days with the bad, and learning from the circumstances one must accept, if a situation didn’t go my way…but Goddamn, some days it seems like I’ll never get out of this hole I’ve been digging. All of the positivity quotes that seem so on point when you’re feeling normal, just sound like complete and absolute bullshit when you’re feeling down. It’s easy to agree when you’re in a different mindset,
I suppose.

I guess I just want to hear you tell me that everything is going to be alright since having to sever ties with the only constant in my life these past few years. I don’t know if I’m sad because of that, or if I’m sad because I’m sad again. It’s foolish of me to think that depression is fleeting. But when you haven’t had any negative thoughts in a while, it disguises itself like defeat, and we all love winning.

There will still be snow on the ground at sunset. I don’t think I’ll be reading any Bukowski again tomorrow night.

If I miss you, I’m in trouble… Big, big trouble.

But I like trouble.